and so it is...

a glass of wine, chitter chatter, two rum and cokes, thirty minutes of laughter and i'm still miserable. i've sent them off and i've reached the point of no return. i'm preparing myself for the worst. they've decided to start dating, they've had sex, they're soul mates. sixteen hours in a car together, two nights spent in the same bed, even more time spent enjoying each other's company in a place away from home... there's no way they're coming back unchanged. its always been my responsibility to be rational and forgiving. i can't remember the last time i was psycho selfish. maybe i should begin to form a different personality. when it comes to the matters of the heart, there is no real protection. everyone becomes foolish and vulnerable. the lucky ones find a life companion, but the majority end up being shat on.

relationships have evolved into an undying cycle. what happened to clean breaks? what happened to the guy having enough decency to turn into a complete asshole? i'm stuck with my thoughts and my inability to break away from a constant pain. it's nobody's fault but my own, this i know... it really sucks not having a scapegoat. so what do we leave it to? what do you do when you're full of shitty feelings?

you think about the people who are actually struggling in life... those who are fighting to live to the day when they can be as hurt as you. hell, they'd welcome the replacement of striving to live with the havoc that comes from dysfunctional relationships. then you start hoping for better. the strength of hope is underestimated.